An April Fool's Day Rant.

So, I have officially lost all faith in humanity.

Went to the beach today. I must have absentmindedly been predicting the future, when I mentioned the universe was trying to keep me from Bodega Bay. First, some prick in a BMW decided to drive ten MPH under the speed limit. Really? You're in a BM flipping W. Pick up the pace grandpa. Then, as soon as they finally turned off the highway, a truck complete with a miniature pony trailer cuts me off. Seriously? You own a pony. Where could you possibly be needed. Then about three old men over the age of 90 decide to cross the street, and four small children dart into the road. Finally, I am free from roadblocks and a Fed-Ex pulls out of a driveway in front of me....then I shoot myself in the head. Not really.

Then, we set up our nest in the sand dune and ate lunch, and went down to the sand (to wait thirty minutes so the sharks wouldn't be attracted to us). And drew pictures with large sticks in the sand. But when we returned to the nest, I noticed there was sand all over my towel. Let me tell you something about me. If there is one thing I hate, it's a sandy towel. I do not tolerate sandy towels. So since I knew it wasn't me who destroyed the picnic area, I became suspicious. My suspicions were acknowleged when I noticed my left Rainbow flip flop was missing, so I looked around. It was no where in sight. Then I checked my purse, and emptied it out to find my cell phone was missing as well.

Son of a Buck. WHAT IS WRONG WITH TODAY'S YOUTH! Why must you annihilate all good feelings! Do something productive you hoodlums! Go take up knitting or volunteer at the homeless shelter! Do you really have nothing better to do than ruin my life. And for God's sake just take both shoes! Don't patronize me!

Needless to say, I was furious.

And then after I swam in the ocean, (Pretty damn freezing if you were wondering), we left and I had no shoes, and no cell phone. And I then decided: Why would I ever need a cell phone? I can just drive to peoples' houses and show up at their doorsteps because I have a sketchy life and no one will question it. So, I am now, Chelsea: Girl With No Cell Phone.

This also spurred the question of money? Why does it control everything? I also decided, I would be perfectly happy, living in poverty, in a hut in the Himalayas. With no cell phone. Perfectly happy.

So, I embark into the world of limited electronic communication, where I play the ukulele for entertainment.

Look out world.

It Feels Like Summer to Me: What in the Wide World of Sports is Goin' On Here?

This evening, was flippin hot, so naturally, we all jumped (literally) into the convertible, I convinced myself that I could play the ukulele, and brought it into Nob Hill Foods, singing up and down the aisles about Rubix cubes and fruit. We got to the check out, and the cashier shared with us, in her Southern drawl,
"Why, I just loove to be serenaded!" And when we apologized for the disturbance, she insisted that I continue.

What can I say, I'm a natural. (The previous statement is actually quite humorous, simply because I have no clue how to play the ukulele, and I just randomly strum until I hit something that sounds acceptable.)

Anyways, by now it's about 10 o'clock, we've finished dinner, and decide to go swimming in the community pool. The gate is locked, so we hop the fence, and I continue my attempts at musicality while my crazy friends swim in the frigid waters. Then we leave. I continue to play the ukulele, now having learned two chords... Then I drive home.

On the way home, a man is standing in the middle of the street. I considered stopping to see if he's okay, however, I just recently watched Silence of the Lambs, and I'm not completely in the mood to be forced into a sketchy van, taken to some psychopath's home, thrown into a well, starved, and then skinned alive....so I kept driving.

Then I got home and walked into the screen, something that I will surely do at least 48 times this summer.

Hey there Summer, whatcha doin' comin' so soon?

Spring Break. Day-um.

I've come to the conclusion that the funny little witches with the string and the eyeball (like in the Disney version of Hercules) are in control of my fate. Here are the reasons why:
1. My life is just way too ridiculous for a regular God.
2. There are no more convincing reasons I can think of at the moment.

So Crazy Witches 1, 2 & 3 have decided to bump up the sketchiness during spring break. Going back a few days to Azusa Pacific (awkward little Christian college located in a sketchy town in Southern California)...Creepiest night life EVER. Seriously, it was only about 11 o'clock and there were already weirdos out. The only place that was open was some Mexican place called "Alberto's" And a half-lit 7-11 where an arrest took place. Meanwhile, all the college kids watching over us are serenading the choir with The Backstreet Boys and Justin Bieber tunes. As cars are driving by with window paint on the windshield that says "Moon us!".

And then we traveled north to Magic Mountain....

I'll let you complete the analogy. Disneyland is to Happy, as Magic Mountain is to......

If you said Sketchy, congrats. You aren't an idiot.

At some points I was scared for my life, I didn't dare cut in line for fear that some girl would "cut me".....with a knife. By the time a group of 20-year-old's started singing "The Climb" enough was enough. We got back on the bus which was being driven by some creepy guy named Steve. He looked like the child of a Hell's Angels participant and a French artist, complete with leather jacket and beret....

Then I traveled up to Tahoe with some friends. We walked about a mile in dresses on the shoulder of the highway to get to a delicious Thai food restaurant. We were honked at by several cars. I believe the term, "That deserves a two syllable damn!" was used at some point.

I can only blame the witches.

A Haiku.

Rabbit, why you here.
The road is not safe for you.
My car is too big.

If you aren't smart enough to draw your own conclusions, I ran over a bunny. But when I stopped to see if it was dead, and walked over to it, it bounced up and came back to life and ran away like a happy Jack Rabbit, which is what it was. Maybe it was part possum and was just pretending to be dead...

The Result of an Absence of Eggs.

We had no eggs. I suggested to my parents that we should get some chickens. They said no. So I went next door. The chickens had no eggs in their nests, probably because of the rain or something. So I knocked on the door. No answer, I always wondered how deaf people heard the doorbell. I don't think they do. And I walked on in. Said hello seven times. No answer. Went to the fridge. Opened the fridge. There was a wall clock inside? Sketchy. Took two eggs. The creepy blind dog stared at me. I was really afraid so I ran away. Dropping an egg in my haste.

And that's no yoke.

I can hear the groans from here.

Q: "Do You Know The Muffin Man?" A: "No Thanks. I'm Good."

I went to Trader Joe's after work today, and purchased some muffin mix. The cashier was a burly man of about 25 with several tattoos and an earring. He scanned my single item and asked,
"Gonna get cozy and do some baking?"
I replied, "That's the plan."
He said, "Yeah, that's what I like to do on days like this too. I love baking. And cuddling."
I said nothing. And kinda smiled uncomfortably. Took my change and left.
Then I got out into the rain to walk to my car, and as I'm unlocking the door, a strange old man grabs my arm and says dramatically,
"Young lady, did you know, that you are holding my favorite brand of muffins."
And I said, "Oh, that's good to know, I -"
And he cuts me off, still gripping my arm, "And believe me. I. Love. Muffins."


Good Grief.

The Dentist. Dun Dun DUN!

Today I had an appointment at Dr. David Suttie's Dental Office. Now, as a kid, I used to be fooled by the bright colors and buttons, and stickers and prizes. The scented gloves and the nurses with patterned scrubs, and the Doctor, who spoke with a frighteningly accurate impersonation of Donald Duck. I was once fooled by the color. But not anymore. I have come to learn and expose this hell hole for what it really is: A hell hole.

Maybe it's because I look too old to be in childrens' dental facility, maybe it's because I look like an overbearing and obnoxious teenager. Either way, no one smiled at me when I walked it. Which is a little bit upsetting when you are about to have someone prodding metal instruments in your mouth. But I walked right in. Like an imbecile. I sat in the yellow chair, and waited for a friendly nurse. Mistake number two. Never expect the friendly nurse, because you'll end up with the crazy, bipolar, demon-nurse instead.

She seemed nice enough. Comforting white hair, rolled into some sort of awkward half-bun, half-braid combination. But as soon as she started accusing me of my lack of flossing I knew it was going to be a long 45 minutes.

I am a devoted flosser, up until Oklahoma! performances began, I would floss at least twice a day. For her to say my flossing technique was mediocre at best made me want to punch her. What does she know anyways, she's the nurse!?! Who gave her the authority to critique my dental hygiene! Gad. Then she put that gross purple stuff on my teeth and tried to find plaque. Good luck with that jerk face! Too bad I brushed my teeth for ten minutes straight before I came so you wouldn't have the satisfaction of dropping my grade a letter. The nerve. She tried to craft some convoluted lie that there was pink on my far left molar. I disagreed, she glared at me and said that it must have been a glare. Nice try. Then she reluctantly gave me an "A" on my brushing. Take that you evil piece of toothpaste spit!

Then she started cleaning my teeth. Pretty sure she replaced the toothpaste with sand, because that's what it felt like on my gums. I mean Mary, Jesus, Joseph, and a Camel lady! Take it easy. I'm not going anywhere. Then she stuck the mirror down my throat and assured me that I don't have gingivitis. Excellent. Then with a reassuring, high pitched, drilling sound from the other room, she shared that her 16-year-old daughter was having two cavities filled. That's gotta hurt. Your own daughter, turning to the dark side. Maybe that's why she took all her anger out on me. The poor, innocent, dedicated, flosser. Who didn't even leave with a sticker.

Good riddance you cotton-headed-molar-buddies.

Awkward...

So I was working at Bistro this evening. And I was super tired, and the first three hours were unbearably slow. And I kept on zoning out, and all of my coworkers made a game out of snapping in front of my face to wake me up.
Anyways. I have this problem where sometimes I zone out, and my gaze just happens to land on peoples' faces. And most of the time, it's okay, because what are the chances that they will look at you while you are staring at them right? Well in my case, pretty good, because guess who decided to be super observant all of a sudden? Middle aged man on Table 2.
And I got all flustered and turned around and ran into the bathroom behind me to escape the awkwardness, but guess who forgot to lock the bathroom door? Grandma Rosie on table 23. I ran right into the bathroom, locked eyes with the 80-year-old woman on the toilet whose skirts were completely fanned out around her, kinda gasped at how unfortunate the situation was, apologized, and then ran out.

Good Job Chelsea. Good job.

I Don't Understand How I Manage to Do These Things to Myself.

So I decided since I will have hours of free time now that Oklahoma! is over, that I would teach myself to knit. Decent time killer, useful for college, easy to pawn off to kids who are impressed by mediocrity etc. So I got out my knitting needles and began to knit. Except I didn't know how. So I googled it. And some ridiculous Indian girl tried to teach me how. Then an Asian girl. And then...a cat? I don't know what that was. Anyways. They were all incompetent and incapable of teaching me anything. So I abandoned that plan, and started randomly doing what I've seen people doing sometimes. Except, that sure as hell didn't work, and it took my fifteen minutes to undo the knots. Then I went outside to get my phone out of the car. And I took my knitting with me, but it was raining. And as my slippers slipped, I kinda fell. And to avoid impaling myself with the needles, I threw them as I was falling. But the ball of yarn rolled away into the dark and down a hill. So...That's the end of that. Time for another hobby.

I Love My Job.

Yesterday at work, I told Jose that I had seen his car in the apartment parking lot across from JV Warehouse Liquors.
And he said, "Oh yes, Chelsea, I sleep there in the night times."
And I said, "Oh, that's nice."
And he said, "You should come by sometime and knock on the door, and I will say 'Hello Chelsea how are you today?'".
Then I walked away, and later, he came up to me, and casually asked,
"Hey, Chelsea, what you do tonight? Go to drink? Yes?"
And I said, "Course not Jose. I'm going hiking. Plus, it's a Sunday night! I have school tomorrow."
And he said, "But Chelsea, we could go together."
And I said, "No way Jose."

Why are There Cocker Spaniels in My House?

So with all of the nonsense going down in these parts, (An untimely trip to NY, a perfect three months of Oklahoman goodness, and sleep deprivation to da max) I have finally gotten a chance to sit down and recall the sketchiness that has taken place.

I'll start with the most recent, and then randomly post when I can remember more exciting ones from the last few months.

A few nights ago, I stumbled through the front door half asleep at around one-thirty in the morning, waving my arms wildly around in front of me, and blindly trying to avoid crashing through a wall. As I am slowly making my way across the living room to my bedroom, I kick something big and soft. I just assume it's one of my sister's stupid stuffed animals and keep walking. And then I realize, "Wait a second. My sister is fourteen, she doesn't have stuffed animals." So I freak out. And scramble over to the closest wall to find a light. After about five minutes of struggling to find an appropriate switch that isn't the porch light or the garbage disposal, I turn on the hall light to find two fat Cocker Spaniels sitting right in front of me. And I just stare at them for a long time, then, without questioning their presence, go to bed. The next morning, there was some obnoxious scratching at my door. I open it to find Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum sitting at the threshold. And I'm about to yell, "What the hell is going on!" When I hear someone starting to walk down the stairs. And it's my....Grandma? The one who lives in LA and has a British accent? What is she doing here? I ask her where these dogs came from and she says they're hers. I ask her if she just got in last night, and she says, "Oh no dear, I've been here three days."

And that gives you an idea of how much time I have spent at home in the last three months.